1. He is totally in love with you. The second marriage is very romantic. The marriage counts more than the sum of its parts, and the couple is a unit. There is constant, unconditional love. While in many cases, the first marriage was about establishing an life, career, kids, house, dogs, cars, this marriage is about companionship and a connection. The love grows stronger and the couple matures together, as opposed to the years passing, the children growing in a form of 'parallel play'. Linda, who is a second wife for fifteen years, explains the closeness. "In my first marriage, we would even fight about who was a better swimmer. In this marriage, we take care of each other. We have no children and there are no children from the first marriages, so we are lucky.. Had we not both suffered in our first marriages, we wouldn't appreciate this one. We grow more in love every year."

2. He has learned from his past mistakes. If a husband has the wisdom to not repeat his past and to find a partner who is suited for him in his second marriage, the second wife will know it. She will realize his appreciation of her and his confidence that he has made the right choice. The marriage thrives under such circumstances. As Adele sees it, "My husband was in therapy right after his divorce. Then he was in a group therapy for men with a social worker because he couldn't afford individual therapy. But at least he did something and it worked. He is careful not to do the same things he did with his first wife, like working on Saturday or watching a football game without even asking me what I might want to do on a Sunday afternoon. He is better about the big things too, like finances and travel. He is more open, able to listen to me."

3. He is fully committed. So often when the first marriage took place when both spouses were young and not yet ready, the depth of commitment was missing. Now that this man has learned that he wants a partner, a second wife, he is ready to make the commitment to the marriage. He desires you for his partner and is willing to work hard on the marriage. "I have found, " says Nadine, "that my husband really values his commitment to me and to us. It gives him a sense of security. We talked about it before we got married and in the four years since then, I see it. His commitment is visible."

4. He has maturity, age and experience. The husband comes to his second wife with a sense of the world and of what can happen in life. If he has been widowed, he knows how precious the days are and how quickly happiness can evaporate. He looks to his second wife with the knowledge of what he wants and how to live out the second half. She benefits greatly, because there will be no fits and starts, but her husband's maturity will guide them smoothly in life decision. Cathy wanted to be a second wife to a
'mature man. "I knew that if I married one of my immature boyfriend, I'd go through hell with him until he learned to be mature. Maybe I was unwilling to put in the time it required, or maybe I was too mature for his act. When I got fixed up with Rick, I knew. He was ten years older and had been through a lot. I liked it, and it has worked for us."

5. He has chosen this time. In many instances with first marriages, the couple married for the wrong reason. Perhaps everyone was getting engaged and married around them, maybe they were finishing college or grad school and it was the logical next step. Now, ten or fifteen years later, both parties find themselves dissatisfied and subsequently divorced. The husband now has a chance to choose his partner, and not to be swayed by circumstances. When a woman becomes a second wife to such a man, she is privileged. It is all about her, how special she is, how special she makes him feel. "I have always known, " says Samantha, "that I was the one. He dated like crazy before we settled down. Many women really liked Art, and I waited it out. We met right after his divorce, so he had some wild oats to sow. Then he decided he wanted to be with me. He knew it was the right choice."

6. There is financial security. Finances are a big part of the second marriage, working positively and negatively. In this case, we are dealing with the positive aspects of finances. If the husband has done well over time, the new family and second wife reap the rewards of his monetary success. "I knew that money was not an object." says Gina. "My husband had been kind to his first wife financially which made him feel better. There is also money for our lifestyle. We just had a baby six months ago, and I know that we can afford help and schooling for this child."

7. There is an ongoing dialogue between the husband and second wife. The ability to communicate is an integral part of the second marriage. Again, when the husband contrasts and compares his first marriage to his second, he knows how important it is to keep communicating. The second wife knows that she and her husband can share all their innermost feelings and desires. "My husband told me that we can work anything through, " Susan tells us, "If only we try. He has taught me that there is no other way but to face our problems together and to talk about them. I am so lucky he knows how to do this. It makes the marriage much happier and also deeper, because we are really sharing our thoughts."

8. If the second wife and her husband work as a team, the marriage benefits. One example of team work involves children from the first marriage. In this case, the husband and the second wife should be a united front for the children. Teamwork also applies to family matters, such as in-laws, the work place and in the couple's values and approach to life. "I knew, " Christy remembers, " from day one that if Dale hadn't told his kids we were a team, I wouldn't make it as their stepmother. Because he did that, and has assured me we are a team at other times, like when my mother died, I know that we are. He leads the way here and it works."

9. Intimacy is a big part of the second marriage. Many women feel that they cannot really be intimate with a man who they do not trust or consider a best friend. When these pieces fall into place, the second wife and her husband are intimate The second wife is then satisfied and content with the connection. "For me, " Sandra tell us, "the and intimacy are an extension of the trust and love. I am so completely involved with my husband, in every way. Intimacy is an expression of that involvement, that closeness."

l0. The second wife is the second chance for her husband. Second wives should never forget that whatever the difficulties, however insurmountable they seem, they, as second wives, offer their husbands hope and happiness. The second wife brings security and love for the second half, the second go round. "Even after a fight, " sighs Ruth, "I look at Dave and I remember all that each of us has been through and hard it was to get here. I moved mountains to be his wife. And it was worth it, for both of us. I wouldn't have it any other way. We saved each other.